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One of the most functional English words is Shit, That's right, Shit
You can smoke shit, get shit faced, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, tell people to eat shit, forget shit, some people know their shit and some have shit for brains, there's crazy shit, there's bullshit, horse shit, chicken shit, deep shit, the wrong shit, the right shit, not enough shit, weird shit, scary shit, up shit creek with out a paddle, and sometimes everything you touch turns to shit, You could pass this on if you give a shit, or not if you don't give a shit

'
Hope you have a shit free week, but remember shit happens
The Cop and Christmas
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked up at the cop and said: 'Next year tell Santa; The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top
Australia 's smartest woman
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.
The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Austarlian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America ." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.
The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you. Australia 's smartest woman took my schoolbag." 

Insemination
A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad home?" said the farmer.
"No mate, he isn't; he went to town." 
"Well, is your Mother here?" 
"No, she went to town with Dad." 
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" 
"No mate, he went with Mum and Dad." 
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself. 
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message." 
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant". 
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard." 

Better than a Flu Shot! 
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married,she was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room, she invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat, the pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl, 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter
No one believes seniors
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally .' 
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not surewhat to do with it, they took it home  
There, she counted the money  Fifty thousand dollars! Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.' 
Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. 
The next day, two Police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door 
'Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?' 
Sally said, 'No'. 
Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic. 
Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile' 
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him 
One said:' Tell us the story from the beginning.' 
Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .
The first Police officer turned to his partner and said, 'We're outta here!' 

The Irish
Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're having sex with your wife. 
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." 
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them cos I wasn't even at home yesterday."

Mick walks into Paddy`s barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with himself in front of a tractor. 
Mick says, "Jesus Paddy,what ya doing?"  Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately
and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attracter

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 
Three years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
Two years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. 
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. 
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?. 
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!

Paddy goes to America for the 1st time, walking up 5th Avenue he sees a building on fire and rushes over to see people stuck at the 4th floor windows. 
He shouts out, I'm Paddy John Dara O'Neill, the Irish rugby player, jump and I'll catch ya. 
A girl jumps out and Paddy catches her, a guy jumps and Paddy gets him too. 
Then a black guy jumps and Paddy lets him hit the concrete, then shouts up. 
Come on now folks, there's no point throwing down the burnt ones!!

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year". 
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Paddy & Mick find three hand grenades, so they take them to a police station. 
Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" 
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" 
Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just friggin wet mine." 

A bloke walks into a Dublin  library and says to the prim librarian,
'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?' 
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,
'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'
The Stranger
A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on
As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger...he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with Adventures, mysteries and comedies. 
If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind. 
Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.) 
Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honour them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home... Not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush. My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished. 
He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing
I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave. 
More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures
His name?.... .. . We just call him 'TV.' 
He has a wife now....We call her 'Computer.'
Flight attendants
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!"
Retired People
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes, when we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Dumb ass. 
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So Mary called him a shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived. 
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
Bill Gates Philosophy
Bill Gates gave a speech at a High School about 11 things students did not and will not learn in school. He talked about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality, and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
Rule 1:   -  Life is not fair - Get used to it! 
Rule 2:   -  The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself. 
Rule 3: -  You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both. 
Rule 4: -  If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. 
Rule 5: -  Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity. 
Rule 6: -  If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them. 
Rule 7: -  Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room. 
Rule 8: -  Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. 
This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life. 
Rule 9: -  Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time. 
Rule 10: -  Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. 
Rule 11: -  Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. 
Computers
"Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"   -  "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"   -   "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"      -    "They disappeared."
"Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"    -    "Nothing."
Nothing?"    -    "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." 
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"   -  "How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"    -    "What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"    -    "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"    -    "What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"  -  "I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"  -  "Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.  -  "Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" - "No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."   -   "Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."  -  "I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"   -   "No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"  -  "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"   -   "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
"Well, turn on the office light then."   -   "I can't."
"No? Why not?"   -   "Because there's a power failure."
"A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"    -   Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."   -   "Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."   -   "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too f%*%*%g stupid to own a computer!!!!!"
Top
New Zealand Ant Joke
Old Version - The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!
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Modern Version - The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.  The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
TV1, TV3 and Maori TV show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. New Zealand is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Good Morning with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'
Sue Bradford stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome.'
Gordon Copeland then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Michael Cullen exclaims in an interview with John Campbell that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share as the ant is too much of a "Rich Prick."
Finally, the Labour Party drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Winston gets his old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of judges that Helen appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighbourhood.
MORAL OF THE STORY:  Be VERY careful how you vote in 2008
Weightloss
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. 
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. 
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. 
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'. 
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. 
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.' 'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your arse is mine.' 
He lost 63 pounds that week!! 
The Stork
The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees, and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest

Little Johnny at the back of the class put his hand up and asks the teacher, are you sure about the stork, miss?

The teacher said "Yes Johnny why do you ask"
Cos my big sister just had a little baby and she said she got it from a shag at the beach!
New Bike
Little Johnny came home from school one day and asked his dad if he could have a new bike as his old one was broken and he had to walk to school
His Dad told him they had an $80,000 mortgage, and his mum had lost her job, and therefore they couldn't afford it just yet
Next morning the parents were in bed and saw Johnny walking past their room with his backpack on, and they asked him what he was doing
Little Johnny told them, well I was walking past your room last night and I heard you two moaning and groaning and Dad you told mum you were pulling out and Mum said no, no not yet cause I'm coming too
Well I'm buggared if I'm staying here all by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bloody bike
Australian Bureaucrats
A fabulous characteristic of Australians is that we are far more direct and outspoken than New Zealanders when dealing with the sort of elected wanker who wouldn't otherwise get the full drift of what they were trying to communicate. 
Below is one such wonderful communication...please don't read if you do not like bad language
Dear Mr. Minister, 
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this
How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a Television Set and Golf Clubs from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date. 
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years. It is on my driver's licence, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5 years since 1966.
Also. would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Audrey, my Father's name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely F?x#ing astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead!!!...SHIT!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of all this bullshit! 

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my F?x#ing address!! What the hell is going on with your mob? 
Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal arseholes workin' there!
And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I can't even grow a beard for God's sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl). And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city, and get another F?x#ing copy of my birth certificate, and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION! 
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day? Nooooo... that'd be too F?x#ing easy and makes far too much sense. You would much prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens with our F?x#ing heads cut off, and then having to find some high society wanker to confirm that it's really me in the F?x#ing photo! You know the photo. the one where we're not allowed to smile?! ..you F?x#ing morons

Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in high-society to confirm that it's me? 

Well, my family has been in this country since before 1850! 
In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!!)
I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances.
I'm also a personal friend of the president of the RSL.. and Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.
However, your rules require that I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am; You know.. someone like my doctor; WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN F?x#ing PAKISTAN!!!.........a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers, and are suspended from the Commonwealth for not having the "right sort of government." 
You are all F?x#ing idiots
Medicare
An elderly couple showed up at the Doctors office together one day and the Doctors asked what he could do for them
They explained that they wanted him to watch them have sex and make sure everything was alright
The Doctor looked puzzled but agreed
When the couple finished the Doctor told them there was nothing wrong with their having sex and everything was fine
He charged them $50 and they went on their way
The next week they showed up again with the same request, then the next week and several weeks in a row
The couple would make an appointment, have their sex with no problem, pay the Doctor and leave
Finally the Doctor asked them just what it was they were trying to find out
The old man said we are not trying to find out anything
She's married and we can't go to her house
I'm married and we can't go to my house
The Holiday Inn charges $90 and the Hilton charges $109
We do it here for $50 and we get back $43 from Medicare
Wise Indian
Red Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years

You've seen his wars and his technological advances, you've seen his progress, and the damage he's done
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied

'When white man find this land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.
Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled.   'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'
Women & Financial Planning
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business, when he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. 
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Man & Woman Travellers
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train 
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, I'm awfully cold, and would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? 
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow, that's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied 'Get your own fucking blanket.'   After a moment of silence, he farted. 
Black Robbers (A True Story) off David Letterman's show
On a recent weekend in Atlantic City a woman won a bucketful of Quarters at a slot machine She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the Hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the Quarters in her room. I'll be right back and we'll go to eat' she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator. As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard, both were black. One of them was very tall and had an intimidating figure. 
The woman froze, her first thought was, these two are going to rob me.' 
Her next thought was, 'Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen' but racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. 
A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. 
Panic consumed her. 'My God' she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted, perspiration poured from every pore. 
Then one of the men said, 'Hit the floor.' Instinct told her to do what they told her. 
The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and Collapsed on the elevator floor, and a shower of coins rained down on her. 
'Take my money and spare me', she prayed. More seconds passed. 
She heard one of the men say politely, 'Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button.' 
The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out, he was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. 
The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. 
Confused, she struggled to her feet. 'When I told my friend here to hit The floor,' said the average sized one, I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor, I didn't mean For you to hit the floor, ma'am.' He spoke genially. He bit his lip. 
It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing. 
The woman thought: 'My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.' She was too humiliated to speak. 
The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. 
When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking her to her room, she seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. 
As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. 
The woman brushed herself off, pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband. 
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room; a dozen roses, attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred-dollar bill ! 
The card said: 'Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years ! 
It was signed; Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan. 
Political Correctness
T. B. Bechtel, a City Councillor from Newcastle, Australia, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists.
His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience. 
HIS STATEMENT: 
'If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camelshagger will save just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say,
Red is positive, Black is negative, and Make sure his nuts are wet"
Federal Government Representatives
A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Longreach farm and talks with an old farmer.
He tells the farmer, I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation. 
The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there. 
The Water representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? 

This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered
Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?
The old farmer nods politely and goes about his work. 
Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. 

The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....Your card! Show him Your card! 
Animals
An elephant asked a camel, ‘Why are your breasts on your back?’
'Well,' says the camel, ‘I think that's an inappropriate question from somebody whose dick is on his face.’

Grandmas
Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days 
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,

 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling..'
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids. 

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you!' 
Obituary Printed In the London Times
"Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, 'Common Sense', who has been with us for many years

No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. 
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain      - Why the early bird gets the worm

-
Life isn't always fair                                    - And maybe it was my fault. 
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouth wash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. 
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. 
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot
She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. 
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust. 

His wife, Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility, his son, Reason. 
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; 

I Know My Rights; I Want It Now; Someone Else Is To Blame; I'm A Victim. 
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. 
Legless Man
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. 
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. 
The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" 
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on. 
The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?" 
The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on. 
The third really beautiful woman came up to him and said "Have you ever been f*#ked?"
The fellow said "No." She said "You will be when the tide comes in."
My first time ever
It was my first time ever, nd I'll never forget, I'd do it again without a single regret
The sky was dark, the moon was high, we were all alone, just she and I
Her hair was soft, her eyes were blue, I knew just what she wanted to do
Her skin so soft, her legs so fine, I ran my fingers down her spine
I didn't know how but I tried my best, I started by placing my hands on her breast.
I remember my fear, my fast beating heart, but slowly she spread her legs apart.
And when I did it I felt no shame, all at once the white stuff came.
At last it's finished, it's all over now, my first time ever at milking a cow...
Hillbilly Divorce - The Nagger
A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. 
The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' 
The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.' 
The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' 
The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres.' 
The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, do you have a suit? 
The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, 
I wears it to church on Sundays.' 
The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' 
The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got 
a Case, but I got a John Deere.’ 
The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' 
The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere' 
The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' 
The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.' 
By now the lawyer, getting very frustrated tries one last question … 
The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' 
The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'

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Did you get 5000?    The correct answer is actually 4100.   If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!