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Jokes 2

Mathematics
Little Zachary, a little kid, was doing very badly in maths. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centres, in short, everything they could think of to help his maths! Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner, to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in maths. She could no longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. Well, then,"she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the Plus Sign, I knew they weren't  f *!## in around."
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Being Assertive:
A Conference for Women on being assertive with their Husbands was held recently.
The first speaker, a lady from England, stood and said "During last year's meeting, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well afterwards, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." (The crowd cheered).
The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.
The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well. (The crowd again cheered).
The third speaker, an old lady from the outback, stood up and said, "Afta lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy bloke, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washin his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself. (The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping). She continued. "Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffin. Afta da second day I nevah see nuffin. But afta da fird day, I could see a little bit outa my leff eye."

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Breast feeding

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor, arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed" she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came"
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Logical Science
Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. 
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Chris: -I reckon he's an accountant. James: -No way - he's a stockbroker. 
Chris: -He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder... 
Chris: -Excuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living? 
Suit: -No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession! 
Chris: -Oh! What's that then?   Suit:-I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home? 
Chris:-Er...mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens! 
Suit: -Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it? 
Chris: -It's in a pond! 
Suit: -Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then? 
Chris: -As it happens, yes I have got a big garden! 
Suit: -Well then it's logical to assume that in this town that if you have a large garden that you have a large house? 
Chris: -As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit: -Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? 
Chris: -Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children! 
Suit: -Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis? 
Chris:-Yep! Four nights a week! 
Suit: -Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often? 
Chris: -Me? Never 
Suit: -Well there you are! That's logical science at work! 
Chris: -How's that then? 
Suit: -Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life! 
Chris: -I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate! 
Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate. 
James: -I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does? 
Chris:-Yep! He's a logical scientist! 
James: -What's that then?
Chris: -I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish? 
James: -Nope 
Chris: -Well then, you're a wanker

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The Little Fire Fighter
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station then he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her tom cat.
The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the tom cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but I wouldn't have a siren."

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Men
1. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?  -  Both of them.
2. Why did the man cross the road?  -  He heard the chicken was a slut.
3. Why don't women blink during foreplay?  -  They don't have time.
4. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?  They don't stop and ask for directions.
5. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?   -  He buys two cases of beer.
6. What is the difference between men and government bonds?  -  The bonds mature.
7. Why are blonde jokes so short?  -  So men can remember them.
8. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?   -  We don't know; it has never happened.
9. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?  -  They all already have boyfriends.
10.What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?  -  A widow.
11.When do you care for a man's company?  -  When he owns it.
12.Why are married women heavier than single women?  -  Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.  Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
13.How do you get a man to do sit-ups?  Put the remote control between his toes.
14.What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?  -  They're married.
15.Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God  -  says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."

Aussie ingenuity at it's best!  Telephone conversation;
"Hello, is this the police?
"Yes it is. How can we help you?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call."
The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers.
They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine. They swear at Wazza and leave.
The phone rings at Wazza's house.    "Hey, Wazz. Did the cops come?"   "Yeah!"
"Did they chop up your firewood?"   "Yep."
"Happy Birthday", maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate!!!!
  

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Spelling does it matter?
Aoccdring to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn"t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are.
The olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist anf lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a tatol mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is becusae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig, uhh

  
Fishing
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. 
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. 
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. 
Along comes a forest policeman in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" 
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?") "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. 
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." 
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." 
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the policeman. 
"That's true, but you have all the equipment." 
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. 
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Pets 
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp....
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees and asks......
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and furwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like the cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees leans forward and says in a quiet voice.....
"I don't think my pet python weally gives a thit"
                                 
  
    
Viruses and where they come from:
Lewinsky Virus:   Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everybody to tell them what it did.
Ronald Reagan Virus:   Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
Mike Tyson Virus:   Quits after one byte.
Oprah Winfrey Virus:   Your 300MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200MB.
Titanic Virus:     (A strain of the Lewinsky virus):   Your whole computer goes down. 
Disney Virus:   Everything in your computer is Goofy.
Prozac Virus:   Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
Arnold Schwarznegger Virus:   Terminates file, leaves, but it will be back.
Lorena Bobbit Virus:   Reforms your hard drive into a 3.5 floppy.,then discards through windows.
Viagra Virus:   Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
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Midlife:
When I was married 25 years I took a look at my wife one day and said, 'honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde.' 
Now we have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.' 
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10- inch black and white TV. 
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crises! 
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Smart Dogs: 
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.
The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist and the fourth was a union official.
To show off, the engineer called to his dog "T-Square, Do Your Stuff!". T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and drew a circle, a square and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that T-Square was very smart indeed. However the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said "Sliderule, Do Your Stuff!" , Sliderule went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each.
Everyone agreed that this was very good. The Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said "Measure, Do Your Stuff!". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a single drop.
Once again everyone agreed that this was very good and Measure was in fact a very smart dog. Then the three men turned to the Union Official and asked what his dog could do.
The Union Official called to his dog, "Tea Break, Do Your Stuff!". Tea Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, mated with the three dogs, claimed he'd injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers compensation and went home on sick leave!.

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Childhood Diseases
Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.
"What happened to your feet?" his wife asked.      "I had a childhood disease called tolio." 
"Don't you mean polio?"     "No, tolio, it only affects the toes." He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees.  "What happened to your knees?" she asked.    "Well, I also had kneesles." 
"Don't you mean measles?"   "No, kneesles, it only affects the knees." When he removed his shorts his wife gasped.
"Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!"

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CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us. 
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes. 
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints. 
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking .. 
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. 
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. 
We ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drink with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because...... 
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!! 
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. 
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. 
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the  brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem . 
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! 
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents . 
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. 
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out very many eyes. 
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them! 
Football teams had trials and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! 
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! 
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! 
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. 
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! 
And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS! 
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good. 
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were. 
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?! 
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Confession
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl". 
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Parisi ?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?" 
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?" "I'll never tell." 
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Joey Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." 
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"4 months vacation and five good leads." 
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Fred the Milkman
It's Fred the milkman's last day on his round. He's a friendly old chap, and has been doing the same round for the last thirty years, so everyone knows him well. When Fred drops off the pint of full cream at number 37, little Sally Johnson comes to the door and gives him a card. She made it herself, and it says "I will miss you Fred lots of love Sally xxxx". A tear comes to Fred's eye, and he hugs little Sally. 
At number 64, when he puts down the two pints of semi skimmed, the door opens. There's Mrs Smith at the door, with her two little kids Joey and Martha. She chats with Fred for a few minutes, then Joey and Martha disappear, returning with a cake. "It's for you, Fred; good luck!" says Mrs Smith. Fred's touched, and can't thank her enough.
When Fred gets to number 78, Lucy Luckworth is at the door, dressed in a sheer nightie. Fred gulps nervously; Lucy smiles seductively, and leads him upstairs, to the time of his life. They have the best sex our Fred has ever experienced.... Afterwards, Lucy heads downstairs. The smell of coffee tempts Fred into the kitchen; there's a coffee on the table, and a pound coin next to it. Fred's puzzled; "Lucy, I can't thank you enough for what you've done for me, but why? And what's the pound coin for?" 
Lucy explains; "Well, I asked my boyfriend Jeff what we should get for you, seeing as it's your last day. He said 'F#&%  him, give him a pound'.....The coffee was my idea." 

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Dracula
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. 
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?" 
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts. 
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. 
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn. "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, "Get the f #&* off our car!"
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Parrots 
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.   'What do they say?' the priest inquired.  They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. 'You know', he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two birds over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Carl and Johan. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.' 
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have fun?'
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, 'Put the  f #&*ing beads away, Carl, our prayers have been answered!'

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Brunette?
A brunette goes into a doctor's office.
Brunette: Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me. 
Doctor: Well, tell me your symptoms.
Brunette: Well, everything hurts. When I touch my nose it hurts (touching nose), when I touch my leg it hurts (touching leg). When I touch my arm it hurts (touching arm), it just hurts everywhere!
Doctor (after looking at her for a second): Did you used to be a blonde? 
Brunette: Why yes! 
Doctor: Your finger's broken.
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Why do brides wear white?
A young boy approaches his mother and asks, "Why do women get married in white..?"
Mother replies, "Because they are angelic, virginal creatures and white is the colour of angels."
The boy asks his dad the same question to which the father replies, 
"All kitchen appliances are white, son

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Old Cow
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states "This bull mated 50 times last year." 
The wife turns to her husband and says,"He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." 
The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!" They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!! You could really learn from this one." 
The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow
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Man with bald head and wooden leg 
There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note..... Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate". 
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says.... Dear Sir, Sorry about before, Please find enclosed a monks habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part".
Now the man is really annoyed, since they have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads..... "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a tin of treacle. Pour the tin of treacle over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your bum and go as a toffee apple, you pr#&*!"

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Randy, The Rooster
A farmer has about 200 hens and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster named Randy; he'll service every chicken you got, no problem." 
Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides to buy Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a peptalk, Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, so, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.
The farmer points toward the hen house and Randy took off like a shot. Wham! He nails every hen and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake, wham! He gets all the geese. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. 
The farmer, saddened by the loss, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down-now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, nods toward the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer....."
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Breasts
A guy goes over to his buddy's house, rings the bell, but his buddy's wife answers. " Hi is Tony home?" 
" No he went to the store."  the wife says   " Well, do you mind if I wait?"
" No come in." she says.    They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." 
Nora thinks about this for a second an figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. 
He promptly thanks her and throws 100 bucks on the table. 
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Nora thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table, then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and he leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and asks, "Well,... did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?" 

  

Dear Microsoft Technical Support,
I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded my software package from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began giving unexpected errors and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure.  In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Cricket 5.3 no longer run, and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Saturday Sports, Bar 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0  but   uninstall doesn't work on this program.
Kind regards,
Joe.
THE REPLY FROM MICROSOFT:
Dear Joe,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a utilities & entertainment program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is a complete operating system, designed by its creator to run everything. You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.
Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under alimony Support and Solicitors Fees). Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can.When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the
  C:\I APOLOGISE  program  and avoid attempting to use  the *Esc-key. It may be necessary to run C:\I APOLOGISE a number of times but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal. Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program, can be very rewarding.
To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not under any circumstances install Secretary 36.24.36  (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system  will almost  certainly crash.
Thank you for using the program.
With regards,
Bill
P.S.  In no case try to install the free software (Mother-in-Law 1.0) that comes with WIFE 1.0 operating system. Installing the software would lead to not responding messages from Wife1.0 operating system.

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Urge in men and women 
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge in men and women differ so much. And I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example; One evening last week my wife and I were getting into bed. The passion starts to heat up, when she eventually said, "I don't feel like it I just want you to hold me"
I said, "What??? What was that?"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "Your just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman, enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man"
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for whom I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom"
Realising that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep
The very next day I opted to take the day off work to spend some time with her. We went for a nice lunch, and then went shopping at a big apartment store. I walked around with her for a while, she tried on different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her "Just buy them all"
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said "lets get a pair for each outfit"
We went into the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earings.
Let me tell you she was so excited, she must have thought I was one wave short of a ship wreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet and she doesn't even play tennis
I think I through her for a loop when I said, "That's fine honey"
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, lets go to the cashier"
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey I don't feel like it"
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled What???
I then said, "Honey I just want you to hold this stuff for a while. Your not in touch with my financial needs as a man, enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman"
When she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for the things I am and not for the things I buy you"
Apparently it now looks like there will be no passion for  me for a long time, as I am sleeping on the couch for a while now
Ed Zachary Disease
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over five years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well-known Chinese
sex therapist, Dr. Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Diseaz. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied: "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."
 
HOW TO SHOWER
A WOMAN
- Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks
- Walk into bathroom wearing long dressing gown
- If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas
- Look at your womanly physique in the mirror.
- Make mental note - Must do more sit-ups
- Get in shower
- Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone
- Wash your hair with cucumber sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins
- Wash your hair again to make sure it is clean
-Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil
- Leave on hair for 15 minutes
- Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red
- Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash
- Rinse conditioner off hair
- You must make sure that it has all come off
- Shave armpits and legs
- Consider shaving bikini area, but decide to get it waxed instead
- Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose water pressure
- Turn off shower
- Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower
- Spay mould spots with tilex
- Get out of shower
- Dry with towel the size of a small country
- Wrap hair in super absorbent 2nd towel
- Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit
- Tweeze hairs
- Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head
- If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas
- Then stay in the bedroom and spend 1 1/2 hours getting dressed

A MAN
- Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed
- Leave them in a pile
- Walk naked to the bathroom
- If you see your wife on the way, shake wiener at her making the WOO WOO sound
- Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (No)
- Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass
- Get in the shower
- Don't bother to look for a wash cloth, you don't use one
- Wash your face
- Wash your armpits
- Blow your nose in your hands and then let the water rinse it off
- Crack up on how loud your farts sound in the shower
- Majority of time washing your privates and surrounding area
- Wash your butt leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar
- Shampoo you hair
- Don't use conditioner
- Make a shampoo mohawk
- Peek out of the shower to look at yourself in the mirror again
- Pee (in the shower)
- Rinse off and get out of shower
- Fail to notice water on floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time
- Partially dry off
- Look at your self in the mirror
- Flex muscles
- Admire the wiener size again
- Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor
- Leave bathroom fan and light on
- Return to bedroom with towel around your waist
- If  you see your wife on the way, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her making the WOO WOO sound again
- Throw wet towel on bed
- Take 2 minutes to get dressed
The Guys' Rules
 At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! 
 Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us 
    complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do 
    not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, 
    just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is 
   also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not 
    worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun 
    formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind 
    that? It's like camping.
Rugby World Cup Tickets
Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.
"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.
"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said:  "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro,you huv prostate suckness ey"
"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor
"Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."
"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, 

"Those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
Donald Duck
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. 
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. 
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?
"No!" Donald quacked,
"What kind of a friggen' pervert do you think I am?"
Consultants
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location
which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. 
Then young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. 
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business 
" ... Now give me back my bloody dog."

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Lenny
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.
He also invited Lenny
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. 
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a
million dollars to anyone who has the guts to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Lenny in the pool!
Lenny was fighting the croc and kicking its head, Lenny was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing
punches, doing all kinds of stuff, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the
croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. 
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Lenny and the croc were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Lenny strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. 
Lenny then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Lenny, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"Nah, you right, I don't want it," said Lenny.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet."
"How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Lenny.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something.
That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Lenny said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Lenny, then what do you want?" 
Lenny said, "I want the name of the bastard who pushed me in the Pool!"
Getting old
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read, Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. 

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. 
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope! . Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna.
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened, It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.
Sincerely, Edna
Life 
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.
What do you get in the end of it? A death. 
What's that, a bonus
I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it out of the way.
You wake up in a an old age home, feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start
work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink like a fish, party party party, and have sex with anything that moves
You've only got a few years left, so why not?!?
Then you get ready for High School.
You go to primary school,
you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities.
You become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating
peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room, service on tap, 
larger quarters everyday, and then you finish off an orgasm!
Weird World
You know the world is getting weird when....
The best rapper is a white guy
The best golfer is a black guy
The tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese
The Swiss hold the America's Cup
France is accusing the US of arrogance
Germany doesn't want to go to war
The 3 most powerful men in America are named 'Bush' 'Dick' and 'Colon'
The Prime Minister of Australia is flanked by two senior ministers - whose names are Abbott and Costello! 
How Latex Gloves Are Made
A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't" she replied.
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex. Workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in
their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile. "Oh well, I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.
Top
Why Men Are Happier Than Women!
1. We keep our last name.
2. The garage is all ours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. We can be president.
6. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
7. Car mechanics tell us the truth.
8. The world is our urinal.
9. We never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
10. Same work, more pay.
11. Wrinkles add character.
12. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
13. People never stare at our chest when we're talking to them.
14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
16. One mood, ALL the time.
17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
18. We know stuff about tanks.
19. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
20. We can open all our own jars.
21. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.
23. Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
24. Everything on our face stays its original colour.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
27. We almost never have strap problems in public
28. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
29. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.
30. We don't have to shave below our neck.
31. Our belly usually hides our big hips.
32. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
33. We can "do" our nails with a pocket-knife.
34. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
35. We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes 
A Hen Pecked Poor Man !
 
Nick the Dragon Slayer
Once upon a time, and far-far away, lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. 
Nick the Dragon Slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he ever try to touch them. 
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. 
Horatio exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins.
Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme and would pay when it was proven. 
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. 
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. 
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for an hour, would cure this type of itch.
He further advised that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as an antidote to cure the itch. 
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. 
Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth.
For the next hour, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. 
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero. 
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician waiting for his payment of 1,000 gold coins as agreed. 
With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and knowing that the Physician could never report the matter to the King, laughed and told him to get lost. 
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. 
The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer... 

The moral of the story - - - - - - - - - - - - - always pay your debts!
Drunks
Never question a drunk
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A Litre of milk, A carton of eggs, A Litre of orange juice, A head of lettuce, A can of coffee, And one pack of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, and a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."
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Mathematics
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000
Now add 10. What is the total?

Click here for answer.....
HOW TO STAY YOUNG (George Carlin)
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever.Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the 
    devil's workshop."  And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. 
7.The only person who is with us our entire life is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
8.Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home 
   is your refuge.
9. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
10. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
11. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
Golf accident:
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize..
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great ......but my thumb still hurts like hell "
THREE BLACK LADIES 
There were three old black ladies getting ready to take a plane across the ocean.
The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna wear me some hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane."
"Why you gonna wear dem fo?" the other two asked.
The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a cornfield, dey gonna find me first."
The second lady said, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some flooresant orange panties."
"Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked.
The second lady answered, "Cause if dis hareplane is goin'down and floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first."
The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any panties....."
"What? No panties?" the others asked in disbelief.
"Dat's right, you heard me. I'm not wearing any panties," the third lady said, "cause if dis plane goes down, honey dey always look for da black Box first."
WORMS
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon
Four worms were placed into four separate jars
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol was Dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke was Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup was Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil was Alive
So the Minister asked the congregation, What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine, who was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
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PARTS OF THE BODY
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." 
"I should be in charge," said the blood , "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach , "because I process food and give all of you energy." 
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal." 
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. 
The Moral of the story?  -  The ass hole is usually in charge! 
WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said," NO!" And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had sex with whomever she pleased
Did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, travelled more, had many boyfriends, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself.
She went to the theatre, never watched football, never wore fricken lacy Lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants, and burped, swore, and farted all the time.
THE END
THE PEARLY GATES
A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. 
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off .... Or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago."
THE TAX MAN
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question", noted the Rabbi "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now
and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the left over foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. 
"What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."
Why I fired my Secretary
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. 
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone " Happy Birthday." 
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. 
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. 
I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, 
and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !" 
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quite bistro with a private table. 
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. 
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... 
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?" 
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind ?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner." 
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied. 

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday". 
And I just sat there......On the couch......Naked. 
Mr Fixit
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
“Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now”.
He looks at her and says angrily, “fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so”.
“Fine”, she says
Then the wife asks, “well then, could you fix the fridge door? it won't close right”
To which he replied, “fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so”
“Fine”, she says,
“Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break”
“I'm not a carpenter and I don't want to fix steps”. he says, “Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead?
I don't think so. I've had enough of you, I'm going to the bar”
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours 
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working, and as he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
“Honey”, he asks, “how'd all this get fixed?” 
She said, “well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him”.
He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.
The husband said, so what kind of cake did you bake?
She replied, “Hellooo Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!”

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The Irish
 Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbours dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.
Suddenly Paddy jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this". He goes downstairs.
Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"
Paddy says "I've put the dog in our yard . Fookin' see how THEY like it !" 
The Holy Land
 A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. 
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" 
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance." 
Martians
 In the future earthlings and martians mix freely, and an earth couple and martian couple decide to swap partners for an evening.
When the martian man undresses in front the earth woman, she is a bit taken a back at the size of his penis and says “it’s a bit small isn’t it?”. The martian says “no problem”. Twisting his left ear his penis lengthens dramatically. “Wow!” says the earth woman, but “it’s still a bit thin isn’t it”. The martian smiles, twists his right ear, and his penis thickens generously. Satisfied, they proceed to have sex.
The next day the earth couple are back together. Shyly the husband asks his wife how she enjoyed herself with the martian. She answers that it was “really fabulous” and went onto to ask how it was for him?
He said, “Well it was okay, but she was kind of weird, when we were having sex she kept twisting my ears”
Roses
 A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?" She agrees and a date is made. The next night he knocks on her door and
when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked.
She said "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said "Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall"
Digging the Kumara patch 
An old Maori man lived alone at his family home in Rotorua. He wanted to Dig his kumara garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Hone, who Used to help him was in Paremoremo prison. The old man wrote a letter to his Son and described his predicament.
Kia ora e Hone,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I wont be able to plant my kumara garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up the hard ground for my garden plot. I know if you were here, all my troubles would be over as I know you would dig the garden plot for me.
Aroha nui, Papa
A few days later he received a reply from his son:
E Pa, don't dig that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love Hone
At 4 a.m. the next morning, the Rotorua C.I.B and the local police Arrived with a search warrant and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised and left. 
Later the same day the old man received another letter from his son.
E Pa
Go ahead and plant your kumara now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Hone.
Facelifts
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply."
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't" she says.
"I was behind you at McDonalds"

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Did you get 5000?    The correct answer is actually 4100.   If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!